I am constantly aware I have many failings
as a person, when it comes to my emotional side (I am aware of the other issues
I have away from that side too).
For example:
A. I struggle to express myself correctly to
others
B. I struggle to express myself to myself
C. I put across the wrong version of me to
people
I am often described as being grizzly and
standoffish, while this is a fairly accurate description of me in many ways
outwardly, it’s not always an accurate view of the situation.
There is so much people don’t know about me
and it becomes a self-perpetuating situation, and I can no longer if it’s my
reaction to other people or other peoples reaction to me that causes it all
anymore.
Lots of recent events have made me realise
a few things for example:
- People only really communicate with me in private
- People will ask another person about me rather than ask me
- People just assume I am OK
Point 1 is an easy one but knowing why is a
little harder for me to work out, while I don’t get many people actually
checking I am ok directly to me which is in part a combination of point 2 and 3
combined when I do it tends to be in a closed environment, despite the fact
that we are all on the same social media platforms of see each other in group environments.
I know there could be lots of reasons behind this and yes in some ways it is a
little more personal to be asked directly, but there also seems to be a few
negative reasons why too. It seems to me at least that people are concerned
about asking me directly because other people’s reactions to me. This I understand
in some ways as I am very much a marmite kind of person, but it’s starting to
become another part of the cycle.
Point 2 I guess sort of ties in with point
1 but for me it’s really frustrating, as it really feels that I am only being
asked after out of politeness to the other person and not out of concern for me
directly. As if it was why not just ask me? That would be the normal approach surely?
Point 3 is one that I really do understand
and for the most part yea I am ok, and I will just carry on surviving as I always
do, however if I could actually rectify A. and most likely B. then people would
and myself would probably realise I am really really far from OK and C. my disappear.
I don’t have the words to express how far from OK I am, or how I feel on a
daily basis. I also don’t know if it’s just me or if everyone feels like this.
I am accused of burying my feelings and
avoiding dealing with them, and this could be true but for me that doesn’t feel
accurate, I do feel something but only briefly then it changes quickly into
numbness and a nothing, and won’t come out its just there a ball of nothing
joined by hundreds of other balls of nothing, just a void that grows every
time, an all-consuming nothing.
I live day to day with a constant nausea, I
no longer know if this is physical or emotional, or just a side effect of the
medication I am on. The original medication I was on Mirtazapine filled me with rage not anger just pure rage,
and in part led to a fairly public meltdown, probably not my finniest period it
cost me a lot in many ways. Since then I have changed to another medication
that is supposed to increase my sleep levels but the results are still very
mixed but not full of rage, but if anything they make me even muter than I normally
am, which is now starting to cause problems and takes me back to points A-C.
Whilst witting this I know I have
so much more I want to put out but suddenly I am hit with an inability, yet
when I started it 10 mins ago I had my head full of what I wanted to say.
If nothing else all I basically
want to get out is that I AM NOT OK.
